I am a worrier. Plain and simple. Though I frequently purpose myself to trade in my tendency to fret and fear for feelings of peace and contentment, I find that it does not take long for me to return to my old self again. In fact, at times it seems like an obsession; as if I am not complete without at least one area in my life that evokes some level of anxiety. And, if by chance there is not a situation in my own everyday happenings that provoke me to worry, I will take on the circumstances of those around me and worry on their behalf. After all, isn’t that what it means to carry one another’s burdens? Somehow I don’t think that is quite what the Lord had in mind.
Over the years I have tried to fool myself, and others, into believing that this little “secret” of mine was a rather comical, or even endearing part of my personality. After all, it is humorous to think that the doctors who removed my wisdom teeth intentionally treated me just like their 5 year old patients so that I would be more at ease with the procedure. (Do I dare mention I was 23 at the time?) And, it is extremely kind of my friends and family to filter what information they share with me so as not to cause any additional opportunities for me to worry, despite the fact that I am now a grown married woman with a son of her own.
As if I was not overly consumed with worry before I had children, motherhood has seemed to open a whole new meaning of the word. Before my son was even two months old, I had already found myself looking through medical textbooks at 3 in the morning because I was convinced that the “stuffiness” I heard while he was nursing could quite possibly be RSV. Though there were no other symptoms and I was well aware that my little boy wasn’t even born during the likely season for the virus, my mind quickly got the best (or worst!) of me. It did not take long before I had worked myself into such a frenzy of fear, that I had to awaken my husband to help me assess the situation and our child’s health. Though I would like to blame my little episode on lack of sleep, post-partum hormones, or even just a new mother’s legitimate concern for her child’s well-being, I know deep down that these excuses do not come close to justifying my behavior. For in those wee hours of the night I had a choice. And unfortunately, like many other times in my life, I made the wrong one. I chose to let my mind walk down a road of fear that did not serve my son, my husband or myself. I chose to let impulsivity outweigh rationality and reason. I chose to turn off the voice in my mind that said “God is in control” and to turn on the voice that said “I need control”.
I have often considered how it must hurt and upset the God of the Universe when we choose to forfeit His desire to bring us peace in order to live in a constant state of worry as we wrestle Him for control over the circumstances in our lives. Due to the overwhelming amount of scripture devoted to teaching of his promises to take care of us and commanding us not to be anxious or fearful, I am convinced that resisting the truth in this area must be nothing short of devastating to Him. For unlike others, this is not one which can be misinterpreted. God’s word is extremely straight forward in how we are to deal with fear, worry, anxiety and the like…
“But now this is what the Lord says- He who created you-He who formed you: ‘FEAR NOT for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name and you are mine…’” Is.43:1
“For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’” Is. 41:13
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?…Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin…” Matthew 6:25-34
The point of this diatribe, one might ask? Today I am making a choice. Like many times before I am determined to choose to rest in God’s faithful promises and to cast all of my anxiety and fear at the foot of the cross in exchange for His peace and joy. My hope is that by writing it, rather than just praying it, I will be more committed to obedience. I do know it will not be easy. It will require discipline and beginning each day approaching His throne of grace and pleading for His strength to fight the inner battles of my mind. But, I trust that my Heavenly Father will protect me and keep me in perfect peace. And for those days that prove to me more difficult than others, I need only to consider the lilies…
